What does 2 am look like ?

(I wrote this post three years back. On reading through, I thought I should publish it as I wrote it, so here goes...)


I certainly could not have answered this 5 years back.

Five years back, I used to sleep through the night. I had absolute control over my time. I did not know that this was a luxury ....

..... And then, my daughter was born and life, as I knew it, changed forever. The moment I saw her all memories of the previous 9 months -- nagging discomfort, all the nausea and backache -- evaporated. I was in awe of the tiny, perfect, adorable, helpless baby that was my daughter. I could hardly believe I was so lucky as to have something this precious ... I had never seen a newborn baby before, let alone held one. I realized what a big responsibility it was to have a child of one's own. From then on, my thoughts and my time were wholly hers.

I didn't know I would grow so much as a person because of her. For the first time, I thought of another person and her needs so much more than of myself. Everything was secondary to her comfort ... I gladly stayed awake night after night -- holding her close, singing to her, adoring her as she finally fell asleep. I barely had time for me ! I had to do what had to be done in the brief intervals when she slept. Even a leisurely bath seemed like a luxury -- but I didn't grudge that at all. Cooking, cleaning, eating -- everything was rescheduled and done in a rush. It was worth it all to put a smile on her tiny face.

And then, she started to grow up. I rediscovered the pleasure of sleeping through the night after three years ! It was easier to cajole her to eat. It was great to have her enthusiastic company when I occasionally went shopping. Uninterrrupted phone conversations were a thing of the past -- but conversations with her more than made up for that ... It amused me that she thought I was perfect. "Whatever you make is so yummy, Amma" -- I have not worn any other laurel with as much pride ...

She turned five recently. I am amazed at how clearly she knows her mind and how articulate she is in expressing it. She really enjoyed her birthday party for which I had invited her friends at school and those in the neighbourhood. She kept talking about "the best birthday ever" for days together. Nothing gives me more pleasure than to see her eyes sparkle with joy .....

A few days back, I was in for a big surprise. I didn't know or even consider the remote possibility of such a thing. My daughter took out a sheet of paper and started to make plans to "give me the best birthday ever" (her words, actually) !! Though she can barely identify alphabets, she had filled both sides of the paper with detailed plans -- the menu (noodles, chips and salsa, pizza, obviously), the cake, the candles, the decorations(!), the cards, and the presents(!!) -- she drew thumbnails for each of these. I was overwhelmed that she thought so much about me and my birthday ... I did not expect this at all ... I haven't thought so much of my birthday, ever. I have never had anyone plan so meticulously for it, either.

She actually made my husband shop for all the things on her "list" and then "checked each item off" -- her own words. My fortieth birthday is something I will remember for ever -- for all the thought that went into it -- for all the love my daughter has for me. What can I say -- I am really lucky -- my daughter is the best present of all.